Memories
by Shinaria
Summary: LS Female Revan...My take on what could have happened to Revan at the end of KOTOR. No flames, please.


**Memories**

**Author's Note: I had to make a short story in my English class, and this is what I came up with. I think I scared my English teacher with all the angst... I'm not overly familiar with KOTOR, but this is my take on what would've happened if Revan's past had proved too much for her after the destruction of the Star Forge.**

_Hero and villain. Savior and conqueror._

I have been all these things. I have led two separate lives, one as Jedi Knight Shaya Khan, the other as Darth Revan, Dark Lord of the Sith. Countless innocents have died by my hand, but many more having been saved with the war's end. Yet, I do not see this. Had it not been for me, the war would have never even begun.

Even though my friends continually tell me that none of it was my fault, my terrible past lives on in my heart, always there to haunt me, to remind me of my failure. In the end, I locked myself within the sanctuary of my room, making as little contact with the outside world as possible. I have torn apart so many families, ruined so many lives, that I no longer believe that I can live with myself. Closing my eyes, I let the events of the past few years flood my mind…

_"Do it."_

_Standing before his master, his saber at his throat, Shawn, my one and only friend hesitated, his muscular frame trembling slightly._

_"Do it now," I snarled, my voice no longer my own. An amber hue crept into my eyes, making me look inhuman._

_Swallowing hard, Shawn looked one last time at the elderly Jedi, and then made a quick slashing movement, almost in reflex. His master's head fell to the ground and rolled to a stop at his feet._

_"Well?" I inquired threateningly._

_No longer shaking, he turned toward me and kneeled down, head bowed. "I pledge myself to your teachings, Revan."_

_I smiled viciously. "Good, good." Laying a hand upon his shoulder, I continued, "Henceforth, you shall be known as Darth…Malak. Now rise, my new apprentice."_

_Shawn/Malak stood up, a new fire burning deep within his eyes. "Thank you, my Master." He glanced down at the headless corpse, any pity he might have felt earlier vanishing._

_"This is only the beginning of the end of the Jedi Order and the Republic," I hissed, my pretty face twisting into something ugly. "Together we will be unstoppable."_

_He smirked and mockingly added, "Force help the Jedi."_

In reality, my own body was shaking violently. Remembering my fall to the Dark and my rise as Revan was painful. I attempted to block it out, but my mind was not through with me.

_The burly Imperial soldier seemed to shrink in stature in front of me, fear radiating off of him in waves._

_"F-forgive m-me, my L-lord," he stammered, falling to his knees._

_Behind the mask I had come to wear to keep my true identity hidden (which worked as many believed I was a man), I scowled. "About a third of the fifth squadron is gone due to your stupidity, Commander, and you dare to ask forgiveness of me?" I focused intently on him. He gagged and reached for his neck, trying to pry away unseen hands. Stooping down to his level, I growled, "Failure is not acceptable." I watched for a moment or two longer as his face turned different shades of blue and purple. Then, he toppled over, dead. My gaze snapped to the onlookers. "Let this be a lesson to you all," I said coldly, before stalking off._

I clutched my aching head with both hands. It felt as though my skull would split open from the pain. As the oncoming tears gathered in the corners of my eyes, I was greeted by another memory.

_"I will not take this rebellious behavior, Malak."_

_The young man sneered at me. "What are you going to do, Revan?" he taunted. "You won't hurt me."_

_My eyes flashed red for a brief second. "Don't try me. Now, for the last time, you **will** address me as 'Master', not 'Revan'." Removing my mask, I looked him hard in the eye. "You would do well not to disobey me again."_

_"Or what?" he snarled back. "You going to kill me?"_

_"Even better." Force-lightning poured from my hands. The unnatural blast took Malak full in the chest, and he was sent flying across the room. He landed hard on his side, where he lay writhing in agony as the lightning coursed through his body until I finally let up._

_"Learned anything, Malak?" I inquired teasingly._

_Malak sat up slowly, breathing heavily. "Yes…Master."_

_I smirked, knowing that I'd won. "Very good. You're dismissed."_

_As he turned to leave, I heard him whisper harshly, "Someday, when I am the master, I will make you suffer for this."_

"No, stop," I moaned. "Just stop.

_The young Jedi glared at me, her lightsaber gripped tightly in her hands. "You won't get away this time, Revan. I'm to bring you in alive, however, if you don't come willingly, dead will do fine, too."_

_I switched my saber on, the blood-red blade humming to life. Foolish Jedi. Who did she think she was? Taking down a fully trained Lord was hard, not to mention crazy, but capturing one was just plain stupid. No matter, she would soon be nothing more but a Force specter._

_Suddenly, the space around me exploded in a flash of bright light, **Malak**, I thought venomously, and I felt myself falling downward…falling…_

I rolled off my bed onto the carpeted floor. My heart was beating wildly, but ceased as more comforting memories came, memories of my new life. A familiar face filled my mind…the face of someone I loved very much…

Carth.

Did to deserve his love, after what I'd done to him?

_"Revan bombed my homeworld," Carth murmured softly. "My wife died in my arms, and I never found my son, Dustil. If I ever find Revan, I'll kill him."_

Did I deserve anyone's love?

_The Republic soldier frowned. 'The war may be over, but Revan is still out there. I don't believe what the Jedi say about Revan being on our side now. You can't make something that evil turn good. It's impossible."_

Have I just been a tool my entire life? Malak used me to learn whatever he could of the Dark Side, then turned on me and blasted my ship. The Jedi used me when they gave me a new memory, a different life, and sent me searching for the Star Forge. Was this all I have ever existed for?

_"Now lass, pay attention," Jolee grumbled. "I'm growing old here." The elderly Jedi grasped me by the shoulders. "I don't care who you are, and neither should you. You're a good girl, and you'd better remain that way."_

_"Zaalbar and I will always stay with you, Rev," Mission told me. "No matter what happens, we'll be by your side."_

_"I know I should hate you," Carth cried, "but for some reason I can't. I can't stop thinking about you. I love you, Rev. I **love** you!"_

Somehow I pulled myself back onto the bed and wrapped my arms around myself.

_"If I'm not mistaken, Revan, you are stronger now than you were before your capture," Bastila marveled. "Quit denying who you really are and come with me." She gestured towards Juhani and Jolee. "Besides, what can you learn from these fools who are afraid of the Dark?"_

Her words had made sense in a way, and I almost turned to the Dark again. Was I truly so weak?

_"You know, Revan," Malak hissed, "I thought about capturing you and making you my apprentice, as you are stronger than any Force-sensitive I've ever seen. But is it worth the risk?" His thumb hovered over the emitter of his lightsaber. "You might just turn on me like I did you."_

No. I am weak and have always been weak. I may have killed Malak, but the Sith legacy lived on in me. Having made an oath to destroy the Sith, I couldn't back down now. My falling to the Dark again is inevitable. It will always be apart of me, no matter what I may do. It would be best for me and the Republic to not take any chances.

My gaze flicked to my lightsaber, which rested upon my nightstand. With the Force, I drew it to my hand, and I sat there, staring at it longingly.

The door buzzer rang, followed by the worried call of 'Revan'.

_Carth. Poor, poor Carth_, I thought sadly. _Even now you still come for me. But I will do what I must. _Switching on my saber, I plunged it into my chest.

The door slid open and Carth rushed into the room, followed by Canderous, Juhani, and my other companions. As my life force faded, Carth gently eased my head onto his lap, brushing my hair from my eyes.

"Why?" he asked simply.

"For you," I whispered back, shuddering. I felt so cold all of a sudden. "I didn't want t-to hurt you any m-more than I already h-have."

Mission looked dumbfounded. "Why would you hurt-" Canderous cut her off with a wave of his hand.

"Perhaps we should leave them be," the Mandalorian mercenary muttered. He glanced at me. "It has been an honor knowing you, Revan."

I nodded shallowly. "And you, Canderous." Then I added humorously, "T-take care of HK. You k-know what a trigger-happy droid he is."

He chuckled a little as he turned to follow the others. "I will, that is if I don't take him apart first. I'll miss you, Revan."

I cracked a small smile at him and returned my attention to Carth. "I'm so sorry. I-I just c-couldn't forget…I killed so m-many…"

"Shhh." He laid a finger on my lips. "I'm sorry, too, for not trusting you when I should have."

I relaxed. "I g-guess it just was never meant to b-be." Reaching up with a trembling hand, I tugged at one of the red-gold locks that framed his face, and it proved to be too much for him. He broke down in tears.

"R-remember, Carth, I w-will always be here f-for you when you need me."

"I know." He grasped my hand and pressed it against his face. "I love you, Rev."

"And I love y-you," I replied softly. My body began to seize up; my muscles no longer obeyed my commands. But it didn't matter. Carth would have a future-not with me, but he would have one.

My vision blurred and I squeezed them shut. When I reopened them, I saw not Carth, but a golden, ethereal light.

_The Force…_

My time is far from over. I may have left one life behind, but another awaits me ahead. For the first time, I feel free.

_Death is only the beginning…_


End file.
